"Loving an Adult Child of an Alcoholic" Chapter One: You aren't Reading this by Accident.

  It took a huge leap of faith for your partner to expose their childhood patterns of behavior to you. They took this risk because they care about you and their relationship with you. As a child in an alcoholic family they were taught to cover up the family secret and suppress their feelings. No matter what is going on, as adults, when asked how she or he is doing your partner will likely answer "fine." Distrust, fear of abandonment, and sensitivity to criticism are all major issues for your adult child. 

By the time you met your adult child they were probably already in the process of changing their childhood patterns. They have learned that their feelings and actions are not governed by outside events but by attitudes and thoughts from childhood. From reading the ACOA literature, introspection, and possibly counseling, your partner may have determined that their previous relationship difficulties were not caused by fate. Instead, an unconscious attraction to the off and on type of relationship they had with their alcoholic parent had been responsible for their unhappy choices. The key attributes that your partner has are motivation and willingness to change themselves, a realization that their adult difficulties are due to internal rather than external factors, and a love for you that enables them to overcome their fear of being abandoned and hurt. Robin Norwood in her book Women Who Love Too Much notes that the Greeks described two types of love. The first is Eros which is a passionate, obsessive, all-consuming love. The second is Agape which is love in a partnership of two caring people who are deeply committed. Your ACOA has decided that the excitement, drama, mystery and yearning that go with the first type of love was, in fact, an unconscious attraction to the off and on relationship they had with their addicted parent when they were children. The Agape form of love is unknown to them as, prior to their developing insight, this type of relationship seemed to be rigid, lifeless, and boring. They have made a conscious effort to find an individual who was capable of devotion, understanding, companionship, and mutual support. That is how you got into the picture.

HOME