"Loving an Adult Child of an Alcoholic" Chapter One: You aren't Reading this by Accident.

What Behaviors Do You Recognize? 
Briefly, here are a few of the common patterns of behavior that are associated with adult children of alcoholics. You may recognize your partner's behavior in some if not all of them. Your partner probably underestimates their attractiveness and their abilities. This adequate appearing individual has some child-like qualities that are also appealing. There was a dearth of adult role models for them as they were growing up and now they try to act the way they think adults act while inwardly retaining childish traits. As they say in the adult children of alcoholic's (ACOA's) groups, "We may not have had the happiest childhoods, but we certainly have had the longest." You believe you have met the ideal person who is intensely passionate, powerfully attracted to you, sensitive to your feelings, and trying very hard to please you. At about the time in your relationship when you began to think things were really on the right track, your adult child suddenly blew up and accused you of being selfish, unfaithful, or wanting to get out of the relationship. They said they did not want to see you again, but then were upset that you did not call. This pattern of behavior will be, if it has not already, repeated in your relationship. When life is stressful your partner appears calm and in control. Strangely, when things seem to be calm your companion will likely become tense. You are aware that, in the back of their mind your adult child really does not trust you one hundred percent. They sometimes misconstrue what you say to them. If you keep them waiting or appear to slightly ignore them, they react with anger. They often wait until the last moment to do things and then act as if it is a crisis. A financial crisis may result from impulsive over spending. You discover that they tend to tell you what they think you want to hear rather than the true story. Minor setbacks may be viewed as major catastrophes. Negative outcomes including in your relationship are assumed. Feelings are controlled and thoughts are not exposed. An attempt to control those around them seems to be important. They feel anxious when they are not in the driver's seat (for example, when flying in an airplane). Games, playful activities, and spontaneity are difficult and may be avoided. They seem to remain on the periphery of social events. Setting boundaries is difficult. It is difficult for them to say no to demands from others and equally difficult for them to ask for help when they need it. Altruism is carried to the point of burn out. There is a tendency to become compulsive about shopping, drinking, gambling, and other addictive behaviors. Insecure in the role of a parent, they hope to correct the deficiencies of their own childhood. They tend to be black and white thinkers and are frequently too lenient or too rigid when dealing with their children. They may not remember much about their childhood but do mention that they had an alcoholic parent.

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